Release

I have been struggling to write for some time now.  Struggling because I feel like every word hitting the page seems to be stagnant and boring.  Feeling as if I must be boring.  Realizing that the style of writing I have been doing is not the real me.  Well, it is and it isn’t.  It seems to me that I write as someone who is trying to be interesting.  Trying to say to others “pay attention to me”.  Letting the lonely side of me shout as it is so desperate to be heard.  And yet in trying to attain that perfection is my words I have become dull.  I realized today that my writing is missing the wonder.  And then I realized that my life in many ways misses the wonder.  I focus on things trying to make them just so.  In the dark stillness I berate myself for falling short, for letting someone see me slip.  I force feed myself excuses as to why I didn’t accomplish all that I wanted to.  I push myself into the admin role instead of letting the creative creature I am stumble out into the light.  The appearance of things has caused me to jump into a mold that I wasn’t made for.  I delight in cleanliness.  I delight in order.  The thing that mixes me all up is that I delight in the chaos too.  I love when not everything matches.  I don’t mind a chipped dish.  I like to feel that homey feel.  In my struggle to be what I have believed others needed me to be, I have somehow lost myself.  At least in the way I live.  But buried just below the surface, that little urchin of fun desires to dance.

I am about to go on a journey.  No more plodding along.  No more getting weighed down by expectations.  I want to try this thing they call real life.  I want to twirl and leap as I make my way.  I need to find out what I have buried.  I need to take off the chains of caring what others think about me and run with abandon.  I want to open my mouth and allow my heart’s song to fill the air and rejoice.  The fetters of obligation will no longer be a part of who I am.  I don’t have to be a grown-up every minute of every day.  I am once again going to relish a passionate relationship with my Savior, my Jesus, my friend.  Forget the walls that I have built to protect myself from others cruel and harsh criticism.  Forget the pain that has slowed my progress.  Forget everyone else’s ideas on who I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to do, how I am to behave and what I need to believe.  I will not be beholden to those things anymore.  There are no more labels that can convince me to come under their banner just because they are the appropriate way to be.  I don’t need a label.  I am unique.  I will act unique.  I will live unique.  I will be.

Just as Jehovah told Moses, “I AM.” so will I be.  I am Me.  So, who is that really.  Well, if you are a true friend of mine you have seen glimpses of me.  A shadow of the real me has crossed my path more than once begging me to release my inhibitions.  Parts of me have been hidden a long, long time.  I will have to discover them.  Sometimes I think some parts of me have drifted away on the wind.  Perhaps if I fly more kites I will find the current they are hidden in and catch them again.  Who knows?  Tiny threads of my tapestry might be hidden around every corner.  All I know, I am 30 years old and I am sick of being a doormat to embarrassment.

So, what does this mean for my blog?  Simply that I am coming into my own.  And I am saving me.  I am opening new doors and eagerly anticipating what I might find instead of dreading it.  Things might get a little messy before I’m done.  Real life is messy.   I do know that when I am done (although that might never be)…okay, let’s say as I progress I will be a better wife, a better mother, a better daughter, a better friend…a better me.

It’s time to allow the burning fire to burn away all that isn’t real.  I know I am much deeper than I have been existing.  I am much more exciting that I have allowed myself to be.  I am much more patient and forgiving and allowing than I have ever thought possible.

I would love to find that others find this journey appealing and hang with me through it.  I would love to find that there are others who will encourage me as I go and even to push me should I hesitate to be real.  I know I have one supporter who has stood by my side for a long time.  He has loved me, the real me in spite of all the kinks and quirks he has found.  I know he also will delight in the real me showing my face.  This amazing man is my husband.  Thank you darling for your love and support.  It has only taken me a bit longer to find my way than one might have thought.  Thank you for allowing e to come to this place by myself.  Thank you for enduring me when I was so stuck.  Thank you for shoveling up the yuck that I have dished out too many times.  You are a rock…a gem…a true treasure!  I love you more than words can say!  I recommit to you all that I am under God.  May you find the girl of your dreams once again.  May you also find a new place to delight.

Thank you to anyone who follows this blog.    I would love to have you laugh and dance on this path with me.  And for you, I close with words from my heritage…

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind always be at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
and rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

~Jessica