But…it’s not enough
(Warning -This is a long post that does ramble a little. Thanks for your indulgence.)
Glug, glug, glug…air bubbles are floating up to the surface, but I am far from being able to take a breath. At first I was just dipping my toes in. Then I was just wading out to my knees. Suddenly the waves started to roll in. I didn’t even see them coming. The next thing I knew I was being pulled under and tossed about. I was drowning…drowning in the deepest ocean I had ever been in. The ocean of too much.
Too much stuff, too many ideas, too many thoughts, too many responsibilities, you name it, I was over my head. Maybe it started with parenting, maybe with politics, maybe with food, maybe with blogging. I can’t really even say anymore what the starting point was…maybe it was just a good idea. I think the waves that finally pulled me under were the waves of lack of sleep. So, this is how I’ve been lately. Feeling like there are so many things coming in that I can’t hold anymore. Feeling like I need to know more and that when I start to look into something simple I get overwhelmed with the mountain behind it. And everybody’s opinions vary.
All of this overwhelming feeling usually takes me to one other feeling…the feeling of failure. It’s like ugg…I will never be able to understand all of this or take it all in or do it all. How do I be all that I want to be and succeed doing it? I can’t say that I’ve been wallowing in this feeling, just recognizing that I need to do some re-evaluating. I’m dropping balls anyway; I might as well take a break from juggling altogether.
And so I stopped reading blogs for a bit. Now I’ve started going through my list and only keeping those I was really aware of missing. I LOVE reading blogs. There is so much interesting information to read about and so many interesting people to get to know. The thing is that I sort of let reading blogs steal a bit of my real love away…reading REAL books. (And I have to say one of my favorite things about going to the gym is that I get to read there. Who knew you could exercise and read at the same time? This rocks…because let’s face it: I don’t have much time for real book reading at home. Or wait, is it really that I haven’t been making time for it? Hmmm…)
And Hubs and I have been taking a look around our house and seeing what we can do without. It’s definitely getting harder. I have a lot more to let go of, but I just don’t want to. I like my stuff… I like not being without. I like freedom. I like peace. I like trusting God to supply all of my needs. Ahh, the crux of this problem. Am I holding onto things because it is wise to and they have a positive impact on my life? Or am I holding onto things because I am afraid I won’t have what I need when I need it? Seems like every time I make the decision to trust Him He comes through…could I please remember this right away next time instead of stressing over things?
When I was 17 I was out roller blading and fell down and broke my collarbone and knocked myself out. Scary right? The really scary part is that I now seem to find gaps in my brain power. I was talking to Hubs about this the other night, but he thinks it’s just lack of sleep. Claims I would be totally smart if I didn’t have kids keeping me from sleeping normal. I think perhaps it’s a combination of these and a little scatter-brainedness thrown in too. I remember in highschool…I used to be smart. Now I struggle to hold in all the important facts.
But maybe it’s really that I want to know so much. There are so many important things to know in life and I don’t like having to pick and choose. I want to know all there is to know about so many things. Thankfully no matter what I’m learning about I always seem to find a new aspect of God. This seems to happen to me especially when it would appear I am learning about something totally unrelated. But He has this way about Him…
There are three things that have really been impacting my life lately. One -The book by Ann Voscamp One Thousand Gifts. Two -Blogs posts written in January by Megan (part 2) from Sorta Crunchy and her husband Kyle about making their home and their lives an Oasis. Three – The book Made from Scratch by Jenna Woginrich. These three sources have been working on me to clarify some things and help me sort out what really matters.
Ann is helping me to see the beauty in the gifts God has given me in the everyday and the ordinary. Megan and Kyle are helping us to let go of our “treasures” and be open to allow God to really move in and through us. Jenna is helping me see that trying to rush through things to get to the end of the dream isn’t going to get me where I want to be. It’s better to take things slowly and one at a time to truly understand what I’m doing.
So, I don’t have to know everything this minute about raising chickens or canning food or vaccinating my kids or hunting or the GAPS diet or exercise or discipline or knitting or loving everyone or understanding what this or that scripture means or soaking grains or cloth diapering. Honestly, this is only a small portion of the things that have been running through my head. Trying to know and understand everything. Feeling like I can’t know enough or even that I am not enough because I can’t quite grab it all and coming back to the drowning place. And when I let go of needing to get it all at once… And when I let go of trying to wrap my brain around everything… And when I let go of my self-imposed expectations… And when I let go of what everyone else thinks… Well, that’s when I realize that I have reached in ENOUGH. I am ENOUGH. I don’t have to be everything to everyone. I just need to tackle one thing at a time. I just need to let God show me which thing to open up to. I just need to see the gift He has for me waiting for me to pick up. I don’t have to tear off the paper. I can savor and enjoy the feel of the ribbon. I can treasure the time my Father took to wrap it up for me. The way He wound this universe together for me to discover. Like the unfolding of a rosebud in the light of His glory I can breathe in the daily lesson He has for me. I can be content with what He has given me for today. I can see Him in all that I do because He is in it ALL. Nothing is separate from His hand. I can trust my brain cells to Him. I can can trust that I will know what I need to know when I need to know it. I can rest in HIM.
Because the simple truth of life that I am realizing once again is that – IT is NEVER enough, but
HE is ALWAYS MORE than enough.