Losing control and saying no
It seems that I went to a deep dark place yesterday and actually discovered something about myself that I have NEVER, EVER realized before. I have always been a yes-woman because I am also a people pleaser. Or at least that’s why I thought I always said yes to everything.
I have this irrational problem in that I seem not to be able to say no. Someone asks me to do something and even though I have neither the time or desire, but I feel like they need me to do so, I say yes. (Their need is my justification for action.) Often I want to cancel out, but just can’t seem to. Well, it came to me that I say yes because I have to be in control. What? It would make sense to me that if I were really in control I should just be able to say nope, sorry, not right now. What hit me was that I wanted to be sure of the outcome. Because if I am not the one who does whatever it is, then it may not turn out the way I would like it. Or they might have someone else do it for them and like it better than what I do. What might someone think of me then? What if I might not be needed anymore? Maybe all of you are already aware of this, but it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Over and over again I’ve attempted to surrender my life to God, telling Him…”You have complete control God. I’m yours. Have Your way in my life.” Over and over I’ve grabbed the reigns of my life back up. Through what some might call simple acts of service I have used these things to be in charge. I have dictated the outcome. I have let anger in…frustration, hurt. I’ve had pity parties and I’ve used these times against others. Like my husband…when he comes home and sees that I’m worn out and offers to help. I don’t let him even do the simple things and then I have gotten angry at him because I have to do everything. Some might say that I have let control have control over me. Yesterday I had a hard day with the kids. I was worn out. The minute my love arrived I wanted to use him for my dumping ground. It was like -here, take the kid and listen to me whine about how bad things have been for me. Things happened and my little way of doing things didn’t work out. I started to feel like a volcano was building inside of me. I just wanted to hit something or break something. I texted a good friend I trust and asked her to pray. I didn’t like what was happening to me. I couldn’t seem to get a handle on what I was feeling. I had about five more things on my plate that night and I was going to make everyone else miserable if I didn’t find a solution and quick. Seriously, I had been reading scriptures and praying and attempting to worship all day, but it was like a squirt gun on a raging forest fire. As soon as I asked my friend to pray things slowly started to change. Now, I have no idea if she actually prayed or not…it wasn’t her prayer that changed things in that minute. It was that I started to let go of control.
We got in the car to head to the other places we needed to go and I could just feel this pain in my stomach…all this built up frustration. I wanted to vomit and break something. Hubs and I started to talk in the car. I was telling him how he made me feel when he did what he did. (Notice…it was all about me.) He made an easy pathway for me and apologized. I at least started opening the door at this point, but I wasn’t walking through it yet. I told him I was sure the meal I had made for that night wasn’t going to taste good. I told him I didn’t want to be like this. He as sweet as he is made excuses for me…lack of sleep, two babies crying and whining all day.
He dropped me off at location number one and I got five minutes to myself. Well, they weren’t really to myself. It was like God simply dropped, much needed revelation into my head. It was at that moment that I began to see why I was so upset. I was in control. I was in control of how I acted and how I reacted. I was not in control of what was happening around me, but I was in control of what my response was to it. It was only a moment… At that point only a whisper on the wind of my heart.
Then I had a short conversation with my mom. (Aren’t moms great for pulling you into the reality of the moment and then both comforting and chastising you at the same time…) exactly what I needed. Without a word I let it all go and let God take over. The anger started to just seep out of me. Dinner was great. Apparently, even cooking in anger doesn’t mean it’s gonna taste bad.
Suddenly, I was relaxed. I slept better. I had a wonderful day. I didn’t yell so much and I smiled more. My kids have a better mama today. My husband has a better wife. Everyone in my life has a better me whether they know it or not. And God has better clay. As of that moment yesterday I am a more mold-able clay. I know I may still battle with control at times, but once you see something, it can’t be unseen. I now see a new area for surrender. I now see where I can let go of the control.
So, I won’t be saying yes so often anymore. I will be open to letting others do things. I have heard His voice in the whisper and I am free to give it all away. With peace I will allow God to direct and dictate what I do with my time, energy and resources. With love I will serve my family under God’s instruction. You will see more laughter in me after this. You will see more joy. I am a new person again today! Now I can freely serve others because I am not the director of the outcome…nor do I think I am. Thank you Jesus!
Please be encouraged by my story. Know that if you are feeling overwhelmed with life you too, can let go and be at peace!